Operation: Otter Heart
by Galaxy1001D
Summary: After the events of 'Otter Gone Wild', the penguins try to find a way to free Marlene of her savage impulses. Their solution: Find the darling otter a date.
1. The Hostage

**Operation Otter Heart**

_Chapter One: The Hostage_

It was a quiet day at the Central Park Zoo. In the penguin habitat, a stout flat-topped penguin activated a tape recorder with his fin and leaned against the rectangular contraption as his sapphire-blue eyes scanned the interior of the underwater sanctum to ensure his solitude.

"Skipper's log," he said in his tough masculine voice, "_The Penguins of Madagascar_ television series and the movies _Madagascar_ and _Madagascar_ _2: Escape to Africa_ are the properties of Nickelodeon and Dreamworks Animation, Viacom, CBS and a bunch of other guys. Barbie is owned by Mattel. This story has been written for the purpose of entertainment only. Any attempt to use this document for profit is strictly forbidden."

A short tubby penguin approached the flat-topped penguin and spoke in a high-pitched, slightly effeminate British accent. "Skippah, who are you talking to?"

"That information is need to know, Private!" the Skipper growled. "Have you and the others fixed that hole in the wall yet?"

"Almost Skippah," the Private assured him. "Nearly done."

"Good, then we can get on to business," Skipper nodded. "Okay, men!" he announced. "Today's exercise is hostage rescue! Rico!"

"Ahuh?" A penguin with a scar on the left side of his beak and a Mohawk style arrangement of feathers on his head acknowledged the Skipper.

"Who do we have to play the hostage?" Skipper asked. "Any volunteers?"

With a nauseating gagging sound, Rico spit up a stick. Tied to the stick was a golden mouse lemur who was somewhat moist from being inside a penguin's digestive tract.

"I like being a hostage!" it squeaked cheerfully.

"Good to have you on board, Mort," Private smiled encouragingly.

"Okay, Kowalski, run us through the exercise," Skipper turned and pointed his flipper at the tallest and slimmest penguin in the habitat.

The somewhat bowling pin shaped bird was manipulating an abacus with his flippers. He spoke in a deep voice that conveyed both calm and concern, perfect for a newscaster. "The hostage will be placed near the obelisk in Central Park and guarded by nine ninjas. Rico will place a time bomb on the hostage with a timer in order to facilitate appropriate chronological limits to the exercise. The device will be incendiary in nature, so when the time elapses it will spontaneously combust covering the hostage in a flammable napalm like substance subjecting him to a fiery death that no sentient being should have to suffer."

"Death?" Mort squeaked. "I don't like dying!"

"Not to worry, Sadeyes," Skipper purred. "We are an elite force. Just because we're using live ammunition on this exercise doesn't mean you're in any danger."

"Unless we don't free you in time," Private added. "Then you'll be subject to the most painful and horrible death imaginable!"

The yellow mouse lemur's golden yellow eyes bulged in fear as he struggled and chewed on the string that that tied him to the stick.

As the penguins waddled away from their habitat, Private and Rico carried the struggling Mort on a stick like hunters with a fresh kill. When they passed by the otter habitat, a female chirpy voice greeted them. "Hey guys! What's up?"

"I'm afraid that is need to know, Marlene," Skipper replied to the golden brown otter staring over the wall at them.

"Ah-huh," the otter nodded skeptically. "So why is Mort tied up?"

"I don't like dying!" Mort whined.

"We're on a training exercise," Private's high-pitched voice piped up. "Hostage rescue. Mort is the hostage."

"Right…" Marlene's large hazel eyes narrowed in disgust as she hopped out of her habitat to join the penguins on the zoo grounds. "Did you ask Mort's permission before taking him hostage?"

"He seemed willing enough," Kowalski shrugged guiltily.

"Well it looks like he's changed his mind," the otter said as she untied the struggling lemur. "Go home, Mort. If someone has to take advantage of you, let King Julian do it."

"I _like_ being taken advantage of!" Mort announced happily before he ran off.

"Marlene!" Skipper frowned. "You just freed our hostage! Where are we going to find another one?"

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to volunteer?" Private asked hopefully.

"That depends," Marlene crossed her arms as her large eyes became narrow slits. "What do I gotta do to be a hostage?"

"You will be outside the zoo in Central Park, tied to an explosive incendiary device," Kowalski smiled hopefully.

"Ooh, love to be tied to a firebomb, guys, but I uh… gotta stay home and wash my fur," the otter said sarcastically before she hoped over the wall to return to her habitat.

The four penguins looked at each other.

"Her fur looks clean to me," Private muttered.

"Strange," Kowalski shrugged. "Usually she is very helpful when it comes to our various projects."

"I concur," Skipper said suspiciously as he rubbed the bottom of his beak with his flipper. "Any idea why she'd decide to bail on us?"

"Maybe she doesn't want to be tied to a firebomb," Private offered.

"Nonsense, Private," Skipper shook his head. "There has to be some other explanation."

"Hum," Rico grunted as he scratched his head.

"Skipper!" Kowalski blinked in realization. "Do you remember what happened when we invited Marlene to go out with us for snow cones? When outside of the confines of the zoo she regressed to a feral, savage state and kidnapped King Julian!"

"Oh yeah," Skipper nodded. "That's right."

"But Skippah," Private protested. "When we went to the docks to rescue her roommate Rhonda she didn't go feral!"

"That's right," Skipper put the tips of his flippers on the sides of his body, the same way a human would put his hands on his hips. "When we went to the dock she was fine!"

"Yeah!" Rico nodded.

"Hm, it's possible that in the dark and surrounded by artificial structures she lacked the proper stimulus to 'go wild'," Kowalski theorized.

"Well we gotta find out," Skipper decided. "What if there's a fire and we gotta evacuate the zoo? Marlene would run off and we'd never see her again!"

"That's right," Kowalski nodded. "We're running an emergency evac drill next week!"

"Oh my!" Private put his flippers to his beak in horror. "Poor Marlene!"

"Ugh!" gagged a worried Rico.

"Kowalski, I want you to find a way to keep Marlene from going wild," Skipper pointed his flipper at the taller penguin. "There has to be a way for her to leave the zoo if she has to!"

"Yessir, Skipper," Kowalski nodded. "I'll get right on it."

"Skippah," Private asked timidly. "Does this mean that we're canceling the hostage rescue exercise? You said that if we rescued the hostage in time we could go get snowcones."

"Private, I'm surprised that you could even ask a question like that," Skipper frowned.

Later, at the 71-foot tall monument known to many as 'Cleopatra's Needle', Kowalski managed to defuse the bomb tied to Rico's Barbie doll as his teammates used martial arts on bowling pins that had ninja faces painted on them.

"Congratulations men," a smug Skipper smiled in satisfaction. "All enemies have been taken down and the hostage is safe. Snowcones for everyone!"

The other three penguins slapped flippers, cheered and did a little victory dance.

Soon they were back at their headquarters under the concrete island in the center of the penguin habitat. As the others stowed their equipment and enjoyed their snowcones, Kowalski doodled on his notepad and occasionally moved some beads on his abacus.

"Kowalski," Skipper waddled up to the taller penguin while taking a lick from his colorful snowcone. "Any progress on the otter problem?"

"My best conjecture would be that her time in confinement has deprived her of some primal need that all of her kind enjoy," Kowalski licked his snowcone while checking his notes. "Marlene has reported that she spent her entire life in captivity, so it stands to reason that her human captors neglected to provide for a basic liberty that all well balanced otters enjoy."

"Marlene always seemed alright to me," Private chimed in.

"Intriguing," Skipper ignored Private and stoked his lower beak thoughtfully. "What primal need does she not have?"

"When most animals go savage they usually go after food," Kowalski reported. "Yet when Marlene abducted King Julian she did not attempt to devour him."

"No, she didn't," Skipper conceded.

"No, exactly what was it she was trying to do?" Private asked.

The three penguins turned to look at Rico, who was humming happily while combing the hair on his Barbie doll.

"Ahem," Kowalski cleared his throat nervously. "Aside of ingesting food, another basic primal biological instinct must be considered."

"What?" Private asked him. "Poo-poos?"

"Uh, no," Kowalski seemed taken aback by the young penguin's suggestion. "I was thinking of something more… social."

"Like what?" Private asked with youthful innocence. "After eating poo-poos just come naturally."

"I think that Kowalski is referring to the birds and the bees, Private," Skipper said, coming to Kowalski's rescue.

"What about them?" Private asked him. "You said that you'd tell me all about the birds and the bees when you got back from your honeymoon, but you and Lola got a divorce."

Skipper put his flipper over his beak and cleared his throat noisily. "Ah-heh-hum! Private, I think that Kowalski is trying to say that deep down, Marlene is lonely."

"Oh," Private nodded, but he really didn't understand. "Oh!" he blinked in sudden realization. "Of course. She's lonely. That makes sense!"

"Remember how happy she was when she found out she was getting a new roommate?" Skipper asked him.

"Until she discovered that it was a ton-and-a-half walrus with all of refinement and manners of a drunken dung beetle." Kowalski added. Then his eyes narrowed. "Whom I still suspect stole my invention," he growled.

"That's right," Private squeaked. "She's always hanging around and being friendly." He looked sadly at the floor. "I never realized she might be lonely."

"We need to find her a significant other," Skipper decided. "Kowalski!" he barked as he pointed his flipper at the taller penguin. "Options!"

"There are no other otters in the Central Park Zoo," Kowalski admitted, "but it may be possible to find someone that she would be attracted to."

"Agreed," Skipper snapped as he put the tips of his flippers on the sides of his body. "New York is the great American melting pot. Any ideas?"

"Well, most female mammals are attracted to the dominate male of the herd," Kowalski suggested. "An alpha male as it were."

"Outstanding," Skipper smiled. "How many alpha males does this zoo have?"

"Well, the alpha male would have to be approximately the same body mass as Marlene," Kowalski said as he moved the beads on his abacus. "Should be warm blooded, and relatively affectionate despite his aloof, leadership role…"

"Agreed," Skipper nodded. "Who do we have that fits that criteria?"

"Off the top of my head… two," Kowalski said as he flipped back a page on his notebook.

"Excellante," Skipper smiled. "So who are our two lucky bachelors?"

"Alphabetically, King Julian is the first one," Kowalski said as he consulted his notes. "He is the leader of the lemurs, an authority figure, has nice fur and is a musical artist. In addition, Marlene chose _him_ while in her savage state."

"Ugh," Skipper grunted in disgust. "He's also delusional and a complete narcissist. I'd hate to fix Marlene up with that space case. We'd be getting rid of one psychological problem just to give her another."

"Statistically speaking, many women _do_ fall for complete jerks," Kowalski shrugged apologetically.

"I'd rather not damage Marlene more than she is already," Skipper grunted. "So, what's our alternative? Who's jerk number two?"

"Uh, alphabetically speaking, the second jerk would be _you_, Skipper," Kowalski admitted ruefully.

"What? Me?" Skipper said incredulously.

"You are a warm-blooded alpha male who is of a similar mass to Marlene," Kowalski explained hesitantly. "And you are more than qualified to protect her from predators."

"That's right!" Private smiled exuberantly. "You're a role-model! You can take responsibility! You can provide for her! When ever something important needs to be done, she always knows that she can count on you!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" A smiling Rico nodded.

"You guys are a bunch of suck-ups!" Skipper proclaimed in disgust.

"True enough, but that doesn't change the veracity of our statements," Kowalski said unflinchingly.

"Gentlemen, I have responsibilities," Skipper announced with arrogant disdain. "I have you men to think of, and nothing can get in the way of the bond between me and my men. When you lead someone in combat, you get closer to them than anyone else, even your mom, your dad, or your wife!"

"Oh," Private squinted up at the ceiling in thought. "Maybe that explains why you're divorced."

Skipper gave the Private a threatening scowl.

"Er uh, but you don't have to marry her," Private stammered as he attempted damage control. "You just have to spend some time with her. Go on a few dates. I'm sure she'd go. You're manly and rugged. If I was female I'd be attracted to you."

Rico leaned in close to Skipper and batted his eyes at his leader.

"Ugh," Skipper pushed the scarred penguin away and frowned at Private. "Private, your beak is so far up my tail you could open _my_ beak and see your face! If I got Marlene interested in me I would only break her heart. That wouldn't help us if we were trying to evacuate her during a crisis would it?"

"No," Private looked down at the floor sadly and clasped his flippers. "I suppose not…"

"Let's try to get Marlene with Julian," Kowalski suggested. "We could save you as 'Plan B'."

"Agreed," Skipper nodded. "Boys, prepare to commence Operation: Otter Heart!"

_Next: King Me_


	2. King Me

**Operation Otter Heart**

_Chapter Two: King Me_

King Julian was a ring-tailed lemur whose habitat was right next door to the penguin habitat. He had gray fur, large yellow eyes and wore a leafy crown. He spoke with a foreign accent that some said was Indian, but others said was Jamaican. In reality, he was from Madagascar.

Julian was in love. Totally and completely. The mushy things that came out of his mouth were totally out of character for the childish and self-absorbed lemur. Truly the king of the lemurs was smitten.

"_You_ are the most beautiful ting I have ever been seeing," he smiled as he lounged in a chair made of reeds. "Your eyes are like the luminous pools, and your fur is so silky that silky isn't silky enough to describe it. Where have you been being all my life? I cannot believe that I've known you for so long, yet I am looking at you with the fresh eyes! Truly, you stop the people in their tracks! You are wonderful!"

"Hey King Julian," a gray aye-aye lemur that resembled a Koala greeted in his deep soul music DJ voice. "Enjoying the mirror?"

"Why yes, Maurice," Julian looked up from the child's plastic chrome mirror that came out of a doll collection. "I simply am loving it! I could look at this ting all day. I never knew what a looker I was!" He pointed smugly at the mirror. "_You_, good sir, are the heartbreaker."

"I'm glad you like it," Maurice smiled at him.

"Tank you so much for giving it to me Maurice," Julian purred.

"I didn't give it to you," Maurice informed him. "Mort gave it to you, remember?"

"Mort?" Julian looked at the aye-aye in confusion. "Who is this 'Mort'?"

Disappointment showed in Maurice's face as he pointed at the golden mouse lemur curled around Julian's feet.

"Mort!" Julian scowled as he tried to kick Mort off his feet. "The feet! Get off the feet! I thought I told you about the feet!"

Mort screamed as he tumbled away.

"He _did_ tell you about the feet," Maurice shrugged guiltily as he wondered if he shouldn't have let sleeping lemurs lie.

"Thanks for the nothing, Mort," Julian scolded. "You interrupted my looking at myself! Instead you forced me to look at you and your hideousity! You should feel the shame Mort!"

"I _like_ shame!" smiled the sycophantic mouse lemur.

Julian sighed and rolled his large golden eyes.

A swishing of air heralded the corpulent yet acrobatic forms of four penguins that spun through the air to land on the stone platform in the center of the lemur habitat.

"Ah hello silly and annoying penguins!" Julian smiled guilelessly as he waved at his visitors. "To what do you owe the honor of visiting the glorious king that is me?"

"Routine inspection," Skipper replied using the cover story he had memorized. "Since nine eleven it's standard procedure to run a security check the living quarters of royal dignitaries whenever the terrorist alert level goes to yellow."

"It is not nine-eleven, it is closer to quarter to twelve. And if the terrorists are yellow I don't think that you have to worry about them silly penguin," Julian smiled. "Really, you penguins can be so stupid! It stupefies me to think of how stupid you penguins are!"

Even though Skipper knew that Julian wasn't intentionally being rude, the sheer thoughtlessness of his remark got under his feathers. "You're the one who's stupid, not us you idiot! Uh, I mean this wasn't our idea," he backpedaled. "We know it's a waste of time, but we gotta make sure that you're safe. It's my tail if anything happens to you, _capiche_?"

"Oh well we don't want your tushie to get capiched," Julian nodded. "Very well, go ahead and protect the royal me," he gestured carelessly.

Skipper put his flipper to his aching head and sighed. He turned to the others. "Okay, routine security check gentlemen. Nothing too invasive." He pivoted to look at Private, using his head to gesture towards Julian.

Private nodded and cleared his throat as he waddled up to Julian. "Um, King Julian sir?"

"No need to being the formal guy, flightless bird," Julian shrugged. "'Your Majesty' will do."

"Right, 'your Majesty'," Private repeated as his confidence left him. He looked over at the other penguins who had walked away to give him some time alone with Julian.

Skipper glared at the young penguin and gestured with his flippers.

Private took a deep breath and steeled his courage. "So, uh, where's _Queen_ Julian if I may be so bold your Majesty?"

"Silly flightless bird," laughed the ringtail lemur. "There is no queen of which you are speaking of."

"Oh that's too bad, why not?" Private asked as he nervously tapped the tips of his flippers together. "In the children's book I'm reading the king has a queen. They're sort of a set."

"Hm, you know that is the good question," Julian mused. He turned to his left and shouted. "Maurice! Why does not the royal king that is me have a royal queen?"

"We're not on Madagascar anymore," the aye-aye responded. "The lemurs in the area are you, me, and Mort."

"Oh that is why," Julian nodded. He turned back to the roly-poly Private. "That is why flightless bird. My kingdom is smaller and more manageable now. Any ting else an ignorant bird like you is to be knowing?"

"Oh! Uh… well," stammered the nervous Private. "Well uh… I was just wondering. Do you find Marlene pretty?"

"She's not as pretty as me, but I give her a six," Julian shrugged.

"Oh, uh, well," stuttered Private, who had been hoping Julian would give her a higher score. "That's nice. I think she's pretty too."

"Oh yes she is very pretty," Julian admitted. "She just doesn't hold a candle to the beauty that is me. Take a look for yourself!" He turned the mirror so that Private could see his own reflection. "Isn't that the most beautiful lemur-face that you have ever been known to be seeing? I just can't get enough of it!"

"Oh yes," Private said nervously. "Very pretty. I wish I looked like that. Then it would be easy to talk to girls." Private wasn't used to lying. To be honest, he suspected that it wouldn't be easy to talk to girls even if he looked like a swan. As it was, he attempted to stick to the strategy his teammates had planned. Unfortunately it was difficult to steer the conversation back on track when Julian would say such unpredictable things.

"Well it must be easy for _you_ talk to girls," Private plunged forward. "That's probably why Marlene was in love with you when she lost her mind. It's too bad she's too shy to say anything when she's back to normal. Then you'd be able to prove Skippah wrong."

"You should not be the worry-wart Privates," Julian said offhandedly.

"Private," the little penguin corrected.

"What?" Julian tore his eyes away from his mirror. "What is private?"

"No, _Private_," the pear shaped penguin repeated. "That's my name. You called me 'Privates'."

"Yes, of course Privates," Julian nodded. "My royal self can remember it because it sounds like a place my royalness does not like to be kicked in. That is a strange name for a bird because you cannot tell if birds have any privates no matter how many feathers you pluck."

"Ooh!" Private shivered and took a step back.

"Be the hanging on silly bird," Julian squinted in concentration, "What was it that you wanted your bossy penguin leader to be wrong about?"

"Oh we have a standing bet," Private warmed up to this part of his cover story. "I bet Skippah that you could get a queen, and Skippah bet that you couldn't get one even if there was a lady in the zoo who was secretly liked you. He said you'd mess it up by being obnoxious. His words, not mine."

"Is that so?" Julian's eyes narrowed indignantly. "Well we shall be the seeing about that!" He jumped out of his chair. "I shall prove that it is the play of children for the royal king that is me to get a royal queen! Especially since there is all ready a someone in the zoo who already likes me! Maurice!"

"Yes King Julian?" the portly lemur answered.

"Who is the girl who secretly likes me again?" he asked contritely.

"Somebody likes you?" Maurice seemed surprised. "As in 'likes you' likes you? Who is that?"

"That is what I be asking _you_, Maurice!" Julian stomped his foot. "I did not ask for you to ask _me_, it was I who was asking _you_!"

"Well I don't know," a flustered Maurice admitted. "I think one of the spider monkeys likes you, but you never can tell with them."

"Marlene seemed to be obsessed with you when she went wild," Private offered.

"Be the shutting up now, silly penguin!" Julian snapped. "Do not remind me about the crazy otter! We are trying to figure out who loves the royal me!"

"_I_ love the royal you!" Mort squeaked as he embraced Julian's leg.

"I meant in a boy-girl way!" Julian snapped. He hopped up and down on one leg trying to shake the mouse lemur off. "Not being the offensive king, Mort, but you creep me out! So _get_ out!" He seized Mort with his forepaws and flung him away. He then smoothed out his fur and struck an effeminate pose as he turned to his advisor. "Honesty, Maurice, have you ever seen anyone who is as big a whoopsie as Mort is being?"

"Uh, no your Majesty," Maurice lied as he tried to keep a straight face. "I can't say that I have."

"Neither can my royal self," Julian nodded as he gestured effeminately. "When Mort is to be growing up, I do not think that he is to be needing any girls."

"We'll just have to see," Maurice shrugged.

"Uh, King Julian?" Private murmured shyly. "Are you going to go get a queen?"

"What do I need a queen for silly penguin?" Julian snapped. "I am _king_! I am not to be _needing_ any girls!"

Both Maurice and Private winced at that remark.

"B-but the bet!" Private implored. "I guess Skippah was right!"

"Your bossy penguin was right about what?" Julian asked, then his golden eyes widened in recognition. "Oh! Right! Your bossy penguin does not believe that my royal self can get a girlfriend even if there is some one who is secretly crushing on me! Me the royal king that is me! Someone has the crush on my royal hotness! But who?"

"Marlene," Private offered.

Julian glanced around. "Where? I do not see the otter…"

"No," Private whined. "Marlene. Marlene is the one who is crushing on you. Outside the zoo when she went on pure instinct it was you she fancied. You said that you wouldn't mind if she wasn't so beastly."

From a distance, Skipper and Kowalski watched Private's efforts to get through to the slender but thickheaded lemur.

"You gotta hand it to Private," Skipper nodded in grudging admiration. "If it was me talking to that empty-headed ringtail, I would have handed him his lungs by now!"

"Private _does_ face a challenge that I'm not sure any of is equipped to handle," Kowalski nodded.

Behind them, Rico has chasing a butterfly and fell off the stone island in the middle of the lemur habitat. Fortunately, he landed on the green inflatable trampoline house that the lemurs enjoyed.

In the meantime, Julian's random brain had steered the conversation back to Marlene, sort of. "How dare you insult someone who is crushing on the kingly me!" he scolded in exaggerated disdain. "It is natural for people to be smitten by the royal king who is me, and it is not nice to make fun of them!"

"_I_ love the royal you," Mort cooed affectionately.

"Mort, you are so stupid," Julian teased. "It stupefies me to think of how stupid you are!"

Mort just smiled and basked in the attention.

Private frowned. Julian was too easily distracted and quite frankly, the little penguin didn't know how much more of this conversation he could take.

"I'm sorry," the little penguin said. "I didn't mean to insult your sweetheart."

"When did you insult my sweetheart?" Julian asked. "Who is my sweetheart?"

"Marlene," Private frowned, frustration clearly showing on his normally cheerful face.

"Marlene is my sweetheart?" Julian's yellow eyes widened in surprise. "Maurice! Guess what? I have a sweetheart!"

"Congratulations," Maurice shrugged without interest.

"The kingly me has a sweetheart!" Julian cheered. "Who knew? I have a sweetheart! A girlfriend who is not made up… er… not like those painted hussies who are always throwing themselves at the royal me," he added sheepishly.

Private breathed as sigh of relief. "Well I hope you and Marlene are very happy."

"Oh yes," Julian smiled. "Marlene and I will be very happy. You don't need to worry about that! We will be the happiest king and queen in the whole of the zoo."

Private saluted, the prearranged signal that 'Operation: Otter Heart' had been put successfully in motion.

"There's the signal!" Skipper crowed. "He actually pulled it off. Let's fly, gents." With that, the three penguins slid on their bellies cover the distance between them and Julian. "Well, the inspection is over," Skipper announced to the lemurs. "We found no suspicious packages. I'm happy to report that the entire enclosure is bomb-free."

Rico gave a guilty look and waddled off to retrieve a bomb that he had planted under Julian's throne. He managed to put out the lighted fuse just in time and swallow the stick of dynamite before anybody noticed.

"Well, it's time we checked out the other habitats," Skipper continued. "Have a nice day, lower mammals."

As the penguins somersaulted out of the enclosure, Julian waved at them and called out, "Oh we will be having the nice day, flightless birds. Because I have a girlfriend and you shall lose your annoying bet! You will be getting the green with envy when you see how happy I make the otter feel, just you see!"

"So you gonna make Marlene your queen?" Maurice asked his sovereign.

"I don't know," Julian shrugged. "We should go out first, and see how it be going. She can get you know, kind of _beastly_."

Back at penguin HQ, Skipper was speaking into his tape recorder. "Skipper's log," he said as he looked warily around, "_The Penguins of Madagascar_ television series and the movies _Madagascar_ and _Madagascar_ _2: Escape to Africa_ are the properties of Nickelodeon and Dreamworks Animation, Viacom, CBS and a bunch of other guys. This story has been written for the purpose of entertainment only. Any attempt to use this document for profit is strictly forbidden."

Kowalski looked up from his research. "Skipper, who are you talking to?"

_Next: Lady Marlene_


	3. Lady Marlene

**Operation Otter Heart**

_Chapter Three: Lady Marlene_

In their secret headquarters underneath the penguin habitat, Kowalski was working one of his pet projects, breaking the human's code. "Fascinating!" the brainy penguin muttered as he stared at a legal document. "Unfortunately it just doesn't make any sense!"

"Why?" Private piped up in his high-pitched voice. "What does it say?"

"It says that _The Penguins of Madagascar_ as well as _Madagascar_ and _Madagascar_ _2: Escape to Africa_ are the properties of Dreamworks Animation," Kowalski said incredulously.

"But there aren't any penguins in Madagascar," Private pointed out. "At least there weren't any when we were there."

"Not only that but the second island of Madagascar isn't on any of our charts," Kowalski said as he pulled down an atlas of the Earth. "As you can see, only one island of Madagascar is on the map!"

"Maybe the second one escaped to Africa," Private offered. "It could be in the Sudan, maybe."

"It's possible," Kowalski nodded. "I just can't understand how an animation studio could own an entire nation, maybe two."

"It certainly is a puzzler," Private agreed. "Maybe they're not the only ones who own them. Does the document mention anybody else?"

Kowalski put a jeweler's lens to his eye and squinted at the document. "CBS Broadcasting Inc.," he finally said, "and Viacom, but it's hard to tell if CBS owns Viacom or Viacom owns CBS, or whether they both own Dreamworks Animation," he shook his head. "I don't think I'm getting all of it."

"Does it mention anybody else?" Private asked.

"Nickelodeon," Kowalski added. "I'm almost sure that this name is 'Nickelodeon," he repeated, but he didn't seem sure.

"Isn't that a kind of jukebox?" Private asked. "I didn't know anybody was still making them!"

"I'm sorry, Private," Kowalski took the jeweler's lens off his eye and shook his head. "It's obvious that I'm not getting the whole thing. The fragments I've been able to translate are gibberish!"

"Have you been able to decode anything else?" Private asked him.

"Something about a story has been written for the purpose of entertainment, and a warning that no one is permitted to use this document for profit, not even the author!"

"Not even the one who wrote it?" Private shuddered. "But that doesn't seem fair. Why did he write it then?"

"Unknown Private," Kowalski said gravely. "Until I can translate the rest of this document, we may never know!"

"I hope they're not forcing him," Private shivered. "Maybe he needs to be rescued!"

"For now, there is nothing we can do," Kowalski said with deadly seriousness. "If I can't decode the rest of this, all we can do is pray."

Private put his flippers together and whined quietly.

At that moment, Skipper and Rico entered the room. "Look alive men!" their leader called. "The ringtail is inviting the whole zoo together to hear some sort of announcement! This could be the development we've been waiting for!"

"Well what are we waiting for?" Private smiled, as the mysterious document was forgotten.

Soon nearly every animal in the zoo was in the lemur habitat.

"Ten peanuts says this is about his feet," Marlene murmured to the elephant standing next to her.

"Deal," the elephant murmured.

"If this about his feet I'm going to knock that lemur into next week," Skipper added. "What are the odds of the royal pain messing it up?"

"Given his sheer obliviousness I'd have to say he has at least an eighty-nine point six percent chance of dropping the ball in some stupid and thoughtless way," Kowalski said evenly.

"I can live with those odds," Skipper smiled optimistically. They had beat worse odds than that.

"Hear ye! Hear ye!" Maurice shouted. "You have all been gathered here today to dig a royal proclamation from King Julian himself! Take it away, King Julian!"

"Thank you for that stirring introduction, Maurice," Julian said with false melodrama. "It gets me right here," he pointed to a spot on his chest." He looked down at his torso and seemed unsure of himself. "Or is it 'right here'?" he poked at another spot on his chest. "Or maybe 'here'?" he poked at his stomach. "Maurice, exactly where does it get me?"

Maurice cleared his throat uncomfortably and gestured with his head to their audience.

"Oh well," Julian said with a dopey smile. "It doesn't matter where it gets me. The point is that it gets me _somewhere_. Now I suppose you want to know why I, the royal me, have summoned you…"

"Come on!" Skipper shouted. "While we're still young!"

"I think that it is a little late for you, crusty penguin," Julian teased, "but you are right; it is time to cut to the chases! The reason why I have invited the bunch of you here is to tell you some ting very important. The words I say next will be the most important words you have ever heard. Now listen carefully…" Suddenly, the lemur king seemed self-conscious as he stopped himself and made a shooing gesture with his hands. "Not those words!" he clarified. "'Now listen closely' is important, but not as important as the words I will next be saying! Now listen closely the words I'm about to say… right now! Um, now! Now!"

"Get on with it already!" Skipper shouted.

"Very well," the ring-tailed lemur struck a dramatic pose. "The reason that I have invited you unwashed commoners to visit me is because I am to be giving one of you a promotion! One of you unwashed commoners will be washed and no longer be common! The uncommon commoner that I, the royal me, is speaking of will be knighted!"

A collective gasp came from the assembled zoo animals. The chameleons present changed to a bright orange color.

"Aha… I thought that would get the attention of you!" Julian gloated. "Now I wonder which of you can guess which disgusting commoner it will be?"

Various voices came from the assembled animals. Shouts of 'Skipper' and 'Maurice' were the most common, but Phil and Mason's names were shouted out too.

"Close but I'm not handing out the cigars my silly commoner friends," Julian teased. "And besides, all of your guessing is getting annoying! No. The one who is being knighted today is Marlene."

A second collective gasp came from the assembled animals. The penguins looked at each other nervously. The chameleons turned a bright red.

"Huh? Me?" Marlene put her forepaw to her chest in disbelief.

"You owe me ten peanuts," the elephant beside her muttered.

"Yes, come forward, silly otter!" Julian commanded. "Maurice! Fetch me the royal scepter!"

Mort dashed forward carrying a rod constructed from a hollow reed and topped with a large strawberry.

"Ugh," Julian shuddered when he took the scepter from Mort. "I was hoping you wouldn't be touching it Mort. Oh well. Marlene! Come forward!"

Marlene hesitantly approached the lemur king. "Wow!" she gushed. "What did I do to deserve this? This is quite an honor! I'm being made an official lemur! I don't know what to say…"

"Marlene," Julian interrupted.

"Yes, Julian?" she asked brightly.

"Shut up a little, okay?" he suggested.

The otter's nervous and sunny smile was replaced by a frown, but she was too cute and cuddly to really intimidate anybody.

"Ho kay," Julian announced. "Anoint the otter!" he commanded.

Maurice and Mort shook moist paintbrushes at Marlene, allowing drops of moisture to splash on her.

"What is this stuff?" she asked suspiciously.

"You don't want to know," Maurice informed her.

"This is so exciting!" Mason the chimpanzee told his silent brother. "An actual knighting ceremony! I'm so honored to be here I may not even throw poo!"

His brother used American Sign Language to communicate with him.

"Very well Phil," Mason conceded. "You're right. We can watch the ceremony _and_ fling poo."

"Ho kay otter," Julian closed his eyes and stood on tiptoes. "On your kneezes! It is time for the dubbing already!"

Marlene knelt before the lemur king.

Julian moved his scepter to lightly tap each of Marlene's shoulders. "By the power invested in me by the sky spirits and all of lemurs in Madagascar, back home, I now dub thee Lady Marlene! You are now a lady, for that is the female word for knight, with all the rights and the privileges. Arise, Lady Marlene!"

The otter rose to her hind legs with a hopeful smile on her face. "Wow!" she gushed. "I'm a knight! Do I have any royal duties?"

"No, I do the royal duties, but I bury them afterwards," Julian told her. "But that reminds me: I have another royal proclamation to make! Maurice!"

"Hear ye! Hear ye!" Maurice shouted. "His majesty, King Julian the thirteenth, has another royal proclamation for you to dig! All you cats get ready and listen up!"

"Yes," Julian nodded. "My royal proclamation is this: Since Lady Marlene is no longer a disgusting unwashed commoner like the rest of you, she is allowed to court the royal me. So Marlene, I look forward to your lavish gifts as you attempt to gain my favor. You can now go shopping or something."

"Wait, what?" said a confused Marlene.

"Silly otter, the entire zoo knows that you are to be the crushing on me," laughed Julian. "I, in my infinite kingness, decided to make things the easy on you. Now, despite your common upbringings, you are now nobility and are allowed to get my attention and try to become my royal queen. But cut down on the fish. I don't like my queens with fishy breath."

"What?" a surprised Marlene clenched her forepaws to her chest in shock.

"I do not expect my royal queens to be deaf also," Julian added. He leaned forward and shouted in her ear. "I IN MY INFINITE KINGNESS…"

"I heard you the first time!" Marlene shouted. "I just didn't believe it!"

"Well, heads of state have been known to fib from time to time," Julian shrugged, "but that is for the case of the national security."

"No, I mean I can't believe that you concocted this ridiculous knighting ceremony because you've got the hots for me!"

"Hold off throwing your poo Phil," Mason instructed his brother. "This is getting interesting."

The penguins put their flippers to their faces in horrified disbelief.

"Let me get this straight," Marlene growled. "You've got the hots for me, and you expect me to woo _you_?"

"But of course," he said without being perturbed in the slightest. "I made you a lady, not a princess. You still of the lower station than me. It would be unseemly for me to court you."

"Well forget it!" Marlene snarled. "You can take your noble knighthood back! I don't need to be a lady, because I have no intention of courting you!"

"Silly otter," Julian snickered. "You are now a noblewoman. You cannot marry someone below your station. From where I be standing, you do not have a lot of the choices, do you not?"

"Ooooh!" she closed her eyes and clenched her fists to her sides.

"There is no need to be thanking me," Julian cooed. "Now despite having stupid and disgusting commoner parents, you are so much more better than them. You are nowhere near as good as the kingly me, but those are the ways the cookies are crumbling."

"You take back what you said about my parents!" Marlene pointed an accusing digit at Julian.

"My humble and royal apologies," Julian shrugged. "Now that you have been knighted you are so much, much, much more better than your really, really, really, stupid and disgusting commoner parents, is that better?"

"Hurrgh!" the otter growled and stomped off. "You're just lucky I'm not armed," she muttered under her breath.

"The female of the species, any species, who can be figuring them out?" Julian shrugged. "Oh well. I've thrown the ball in the court that is hers." With that the king of the lemurs and lord of the ringtails turned and walked away. "Dum-dee-dum-dum-dum…" he hummed without a care in the world.

As the rest of the animals walked away and the chimpanzees flung a substance best not described, the penguins shook their heads in disbelief.

"I can't believe that stupid ringtail!" Skipper exclaimed. "Doesn't he have a single brain cell in his lower mammal head?"

"The probability of an unsuccessful courtship was high but this degree of error was exceptional for even Julian," Kowalski agreed.

"Poor Marlene," Private clasped his flippers guiltily. "Julian humiliated her in front of the entire zoo! And it's all our fault!"

"Bleah," gagged Rico.

"Kowalski," Skipper turned to his brainy lieutenant. "Tell me there's a way we can salvage this!"

"Uh, I suppose that a gesture on Julian's part can repair the damage," Kowalski said hesitantly, "but Skipper, it might be time to try Plan B."

_Next: Otter Things Have Happened_


	4. Otter Things Have Happened

**Operation Otter Heart**

_By Galaxy1001D. Additional material by Bill Motz & Bob Roth_

_Chapter Four: Otter Things Have Happened_

That night, in a nearby warehouse, the four penguins moved out. They took evasive maneuvers to avoid being seen by the security guard still in the area at that late hour. Wind whistled as they made quick deft movements and slid on their bellies to traverse the distance between crates.

Kowalski used a stethoscope as he opened the combination padlock to one of the crates. Rico regurgitated a penguin-scale crowbar with one cough. Private caught it and staggered backwards before Skipper took it, spun it around and used it to pry open the crate.

Inside was a tape recorder. Using his flipper to press down the 'play' button, Skipper activated the device.

"_The Penguins of Madagascar_ television series and the movies _Madagascar_ and _Madagascar_ _2: Escape to Africa_ are the properties of Nickelodeon, Dreamworks Animation, Viacom, and CBS," said a voice from the tape recorder. "This story has been written for the purpose of entertainment only. No attempt has been made to use this document for profit. This message will self-destruct."

The crate funneled the explosion into a shaped charge that blew the penguins backward about ten feet.

As the blackened and bruised birds picked themselves off the ground, Skipper muttered: "Well _this_ mission is a bust."

The next morning, back at their headquarters under the penguin habitat, the quartet tried to move on with their next endeavor.

"Uh, Skipper?" Kowalski asked hesitantly. "In light of the otter problem, don't you think it's time to address 'Plan B'?"

"What about 'Plan B'?" Skipper asked defensively.

"Well, seeing how the odds of Julian being able to successfully court Marlene are the same odds of Mort getting a doctorate in Particle Physics, I think it might be time for you to step up Skipper," the brainy penguin explained.

"What about 'Plan C'?" Skipper offered, attempting to change the subject.

Rico made a sound that sounded vaguely like "Plan Zee?"

"Affirmative," Skipper nodded. "There must be some way to find another match for our lonely otter. Someone more mammalian."

"But how?" Private asked. "It's not like Kowalski can make a machine that will tell us Marlene's perfect date or something."

"Kowalski?" Skipper turned to the brainy penguin.

"Get me a variable capacitance diode, a field effect transistor, some pink dye and two bottles of crazy glue and I should have one ready in three hours!" Kowalski announced. "This is my chance to prove that love can be explained… by science!"

Three hours later, Private was escorting Marlene into the penguin's headquarters underneath the penguin habitat. He was blindfolding her by walking behind her holding his flippers over her eyes.

"I'm so excited Marlene!" Private gushed. "This will solve all your problems!"

Marlene walked forward on her hind legs unsteadily as her forepaws reached in front her. "I'm not sure what problems I'm having," she chuckled good-naturedly, "but okay…"

Private removed his flippers and the otter found herself looking at a strange box that appeared to be made from remote controls and parts from portable video game parts. It had been painted pink had red heart stickers glued to the sides.

"Meet the Loveulator Three Thousand!" Kowalski announced proudly.

"Uh-huh-hunh…" Rico murmured in appreciation.

"Using scientifically proven methods it will scientifically locate your ideal match according… to science!" Kowalski lectured enthusiastically.

"Yeah… good," Marlene nodded as she crossed her forearms. "Real quick. One thing… _What_?" she shouted that last word.

"I mentioned science, right?" Kowalski asked dryly.

"Uh-huh," Rico nodded cheerfully.

"It will find your dream date Marlene!" Private smiled as he hopped over to Marlene's side. He put his flippers around her waist in what he thought was a comforting embrace. "You'll be lonely no more."

"Who said I was lonely?" Marlene frowned as she pushed him away.

"You didn't have to," Private said as he clasped his flippers and got dreamy far away look. "We're sensitive." He made a feminine squeal as Rico let loose a noisy belch. "Mostly," he added.

"We just figured a single otter in the big city…" Kowalski gestured widely with his flippers.

"Is…?" Marlene asked skeptically.

"Lonely!" Skipper barked. "The crushing solitude is eating you alive!"

"Um… no… no, I'm good," Marlene shook her head calmly. "And why are you guys suddenly interested in my social life anyway?"

There was an awkward science as the penguins looked at each other. They couldn't tell Marlene that when exposed to the great outdoors outside the zoo she had reverted into a feral creature that was willing to use violence in order to procure a mate. Marlene had prided herself on being independent and sensible. The truth would crush her.

It was Kowalski who managed to think of a convincing lie first. "All right," he sighed in an exaggerated confession. "We needed a guinea pig and you were the closest species," he apologized. "Genetically speaking," he added awkwardly, attempting to put a scientific spin on the fictitious reason.

Skipper had to hand it to him. The guilt and the shame over the truth had made Kowalski's white lie totally convincing. In a burst of confidence, he took over before Kowalski had to think of anything else. "If Kowalski's invention works, think of all the defense applications!" he smiled confidently.

"Defense applications?" Marlene repeated skeptically. "For the _Love_ulator?"

"Limitless!" Skipper crowed, using the time-honored technique of barreling forward before the otter had a chance to pick their deception apart. "Rico!" He ordered will a bit too much enthusiasm. "Spit-vision time!"

"Wuh-wait," Marlene waved her forearms in a halting gesture. "Spit-waaah?" Before she could react Rico had seized her tongue and pulled it out of her head to swab it with a cotton swab. When he released it, her tongue snapped back into her mouth like a rubber band and the otter staggered backwards clutching her mouth.

"Wanh," Rico grunted as he tossed the cotton swab to Kowalski, who immediately pushed it into a slot on the device he made.

"Now that we have a saliva sample DNA cross-referencing will do it's thing!" the brainy penguin announced as his machine made beeping noise and a pink heart appeared on the dark green radial display. All eyes went to the penguins television set that displayed a map of the zoo. "Ah-ha! Your new beau is… is…" Kowalski's voice sped up in disappointment, "…is not in the zoo."

"Adjust sensitivity!" Skipper ordered. "Expand search perimeter! And uh… try that knob!" he added smiling as he pointed to the lever on the upper righthand portion of the device.

Kowalski pulled a pink plastic lever on the machine and the penguin's television displayed a map of the Central Park Zoo. At the upper left hand corner a pink heart throbbed and the sound of a heartbeat was heard from the speakers.

"There is… in the park..!" Kowalski announced as he gestured at the television.

"Ooh-la-la!" Skipper teased. "The lady walks on the wild side!"

"Heh-heh!" Rico snickered.

"All right!" Skipper barked, suddenly all business. "Let's roll men!"

As Private, Rico, and Skipper slid on their bellies to race to the exit, Marlene put her hands on her hips in exaggerated boredom and called after them. "Guys! I'm not looking for a date!"

"Marlene!" Kowalski leaped to her wearing goggles salvaged from a doll, headphones made of two ice cream scoops and wielding a scanner that was made from a sardine tin. "This is a scientifically engineered hookup," he said condescendingly before he leaped forward to bounce off the walls to reach the roof exit without using the ladder. He poked his head down and appeared to have lost his cool. "Respect the science!" he implored in a desperate voice.

Outside, four acrobatic penguins flipped over the fence separating their enclosure from the rest of the zoo.

"Move out, men! Double time!" Skipper ordered. The penguins slid on their bellies across the pavestones in order to gain the speed that waddling simply couldn't provide.

"I can't wait to meet Marlene's new boyfriend!" Private gushed as they slid past the Lemur habitat.

King Julian gasped in horror when he overheard Private's remark.

"Maurice!" the childish self-proclaimed king of the lemurs squawked. "Those Penguins are going to meet Marlene's new boyfriend!"

"Hunh," the portly Aye-Aye lemur grunted without interest. "Good for her."

"No _not_ good for her," Julian corrected. "She already has a boyfriend."

"She does?" Maurice had already forgotten Marlene's knighting ceremony.

"Yes silly," Julian insisted. "It's me!"

"You?" Maurice was too bored to properly smirk, but at least he now recalled the otter's knighting ceremony. That hadn't gone too well. "Let me guess: Marlene doesn't know you're her boyfriend, right?"

"Well I've been meaning to mention it to her," Julian caressed his tail shyly before rising to his full height to proclaim heroically. "But I can see now that I must step up my wooing!"

Maurice produced a notepad and a pencil. "All right, we need flowers, candy and uh…"

"No-no-no Maurice!" The taller Lemur put out his hands to stop Maurice from writing. "The only way to win this competition is to eliminate the _other_ competition!"

Maurice sighed as he erased what he had written and started again. "All right, we need a sack, clubs, and rope…"

"Yes, Maurice!" Julian smirked. "Now you are thinking romantically!"

Outside the zoo things hadn't gone well. If Kowalski was reading the Loveulator properly, Marlene's perfect match was… Fred the squirrel. Alright he was a mammal approximately Marlene's mass, but he didn't pass any of the other criteria. For starters Fred wasn't an alpha male. He was too passive. And the reason he was too passive was because he was… dumb. More accurately, he was totally clueless and almost completely uninterested in just about anything.

Nevertheless, the penguins brought him back to the zoo and introduced him to Marlene. Despite her protests that she didn't need a boyfriend it took less than two minutes for Marlene to decide to start dating Fred. Kowalski was right. Marlene was lonely. And his Loveulator seemed to work perfectly.

"Skipper, do you feel jealous now that Marlene's found someone?" Private asked after they returned to their headquarters under their habitat.

Kowalski looked alarmed at that question, but Skipper took it in stride. "Sweet naïve Private," Skipper teased, "You know that love is roulette wheel of danger and doom! As the leader of this team it would be irresponsible for me to place myself in such jeopardy without considering the good of the unit! I gotta be on my game, not off in la-la land. The last thing you need is for your leader to be distracted at a critical moment!"

"Oh I get it!" grinned the impudent Private. "You're afraid that you might fall for Marlene for real! That it might not be just an act to get her to stop going all feral when she leaves the zoo!"

Kowalski cleared his throat nervously but it was too late.

"Whoa!" Rico gasped.

"Ooh," Private put a flipper timidly to his beak as he cowered under Skipper's steely gaze.

"Private," Skipper said firmly. "Do you think it would be fair to Marlene if I was stringing her along and just faking it?"

"Oh, uh, no," Private stammered apologetically. "I suppose not."

"Neither do I," Skipper grunted having proved his point. "When it comes to the affairs of the heart you can never beat the real thing. Women can _tell_," he hissed conspiratorially as he squinted and gestured with his flippers. "It's how they're wired! When it comes to your feelings you can never pull one past a female. Not for long. It's how they _are_. They know _everything_."

"Ooh," Private shivered and glanced around in fear. There could be a female who could read his inner most heart watching him right now!

"But fortunately, Marlene is now Fred's problem!" Skipper crowed with his typical overconfidence. "Problemo solved!"

"Let's see if our love birds are still _digging_ each other," Kowalski chuckled as she waddled over to the periscope. He peered into the eyepiece only to see Marlene's angry face looking back at him. The brainy penguin let out a strangled cry and fell backwards.

"The Lemurs stole my boyfriend!" Marlene announced.

The penguins tracked them down to the reptile house. Julian and taken Fred there in order to fight over who would get to date Marlene. Unfortunately Julian was so bad at fighting that Fred managed to defeat him without trying. No really. Fred didn't even try. The clueless squirrel didn't ever realize they were fighting until the clumsy Julian had beaten himself to a pulp.

It appeared that all's well that end's well. Job well done. Until the next day when Marlene dropped by to announce that it was over between her and Fred. She hadn't realized just how stupid Fred was when she started dating him. She thought that Fred was witty, when in reality he was witless.

Marlene struggled to explain. "All this time I thought he was being funny when really he was being…"

"…dumb as a sack of hammers?" Skipper offered with a knowing grin. He never really thought it would work between Marlene and Fred anyway.

"Let's just say that I didn't hear Spanish guitars," Marlene sighed.

"But… but… science said was perfect!" gasped a horrified Kowalski. "Science said he was a perfect match! Science! Why have you forsaken me?" he cried in anguish at the heavens. In frustration, he threw his Loveulator into the trash and ran off screaming.

It took the others two hours to track him down. He was hunched under a park bench stuffing old popcorn into his beak and sucking on his flipper.

Skipper sighed and shook his head sadly. "Love is a dangerous game, Kowalski. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose."

"Skipper," Private asked. "In light of this setback, don't you think it's time we tried 'Plan B'?"

"Um, yeah," Rico grunted.

Skipper swallowed nervously. Was there no other way?

_Next: Plan B_


	5. Plan B

**Operation Otter Heart**

_By Galaxy1001D _

_Chapter Five: Plan B_

"_The Penguins of Madagascar_ television series and the movies _Madagascar_ and _Madagascar_ _2: Escape to Africa_ are the properties of Nickelodeon and Dreamworks Animation, Viacom, and CBS. Additional material owned by 20th Century Fox. This story has been written for the purpose of entertainment only. No attempt has been made to use this document for profit," the television said in the penguin's lair beneath their visible habitat.

"Private, shut off the TV," Skipper ordered. "I can't hear myself think."

"Aye-aye, Skippah," the portly young penguin said as he waddled over to the television and flicked the switch. Silence filled the chamber. All that could be heard was Kowalski's whining.

"Science…" gasped a shivering Kowalski. "Why? Why?"

"Kowalski!" Skipper slapped the brainy penguin with his flipper. "Snap out of it! You have a duty, soldier! You can't quit on us now!"

"D-duh-duty!" Kowalski trembled. "Got it!" He said as he leapt to his feet.

"So you got a misreading on the Loveulator, big deal!" Skipper put his flippers on his midsection the way a human would but his hands on his hips. "The zoo wasn't built in a day! Do you think that the greatest generals in history managed to complete their campaigns in one day?"

Kowalski shook himself as if he was a wet dog. "Brrr! You're right Skipper! Thomas Edison tried a thousand times to find a filament for his light bulb. Everytime it didn't work, he said, 'I have not failed, I have discovered another way _not_ to build a light bulb'!"

"El excellante," Skipper agreed. "Now can you discover another way not to lock yourself in the bathroom so you can cry like a little girl?"

"Some of us really had to go," Private informed him sternly.

"Yeah," Rico nodded in agreement.

"I'm sorry, Skipper," Kowalski sighed. "I just don't know how we're going to keep Marlene from going wild next time she leaves the zoo."

"Forget about it, Kowalski," Skipper patted his shoulder with his flipper. "We've spent too much time on this already. We don't even know if will ever happen again. It was probably a freak one time occurrence."

Although Kowalski cheered up at that remark, Rico and Private looked at each other nervously.

"It will never happen again," Skipper said confidently.

* * *

Two weeks later, it happened again. Marlene left the zoo and went feral again. It would later be known as the 'Badger Incident'.

"Gentlemen, it appears to have happened again," Skipper later announced to his fellow penguins after the 'Badger Incident' was over. "It seems that Marlene's (ahem) little problem is not a one-time thing as we had hoped. Kowalski! Have you managed to get your Loveulator to work yet?"

"The Loveulator!" Kowalski spat in disgust. "Don't remind me! My greatest failure! The one time science forsook me!" He raised his flippers and bellowed to the ceiling. "Why Science? Why have you forsaken me?"

"Kowalski!" Skipper slapped him with his flipper. "Amp down! Let's not go through that again!"

"Sorry Skipper," Kowalski put his flipper on the side of his head as he tried to calm himself down. "I just don't understand what went wrong with it. Plan C was a total bust."

"Well if that's the case then erm… Skippah," Private stammered. "It might be time for you to step up."

"Now wait a minute!" Skipper backed away. "There has to be some other way! Kowalski, any options?"

The brainy penguin squirmed uncomfortably. "I'm sorry Skipper, with the Loveulator giving off false readings we are back at square one. There is no one at the zoo who can top you for manly machismo."

"Yes," Private added. "Even when you thought you were a girl you were still more manly than the rest of us put together."

"Yup," a smiling Rico nodded.

"I thought we weren't going to mention that anymore," said an annoyed Skipper. "My identity crisis is a thing of the past. Case closed."

"Is there a reason why you don't want to be Marlene's boyfriend, Skipper?" Private asked innocently.

"Aside of the fact that physically she's missing something that I find attractive in a woman, namely a beak and plumage?" Skipper asked sarcastically. "Aside of that she doesn't have wings _or_ flippers?"

"Yeah, aside of that," Private nodded guilelessly.

Skipper sighed and sadly shook his head at the floor. "I couldn't let a woman get between me and my men. I'd only break her heart."

"Oh," Private shrugged with false innocence. "I thought it was because after your divorce you're afraid to get involved again."

Skipper grunted as he shot Private a dirty look.

"And then there was the time you were with Miss Kitka…" Private continued.

"Hurghmm," Skipper growled quietly.

"Who was a carnivore capable of swooping down and devouring us," Private added. "As a matter of fact, she even admitted to eating several…"

Skipper slapped the Private's beak before he could say anymore.

"It's okay Skipper," Kowalski smiled supportively. "I myself am not good with…" he shuddered uncomfortably, "_emotions_… guh!" The brainy penguin quickly composed himself to continue his statement. "But that didn't stop me from building the Loveulator to find Marlene's perfect date."

"We all know how that worked out," Skipper grunted.

"Yeah…" Kowalski looked away sadly. "It could have went better."

"The point is, you are the only one that Marlene is attracted to," Private insisted. "Unless you want to count Fred or Julian. And they are…"

Rico smiled and made obnoxious "Duh-duh-duh" noises.

Skipper smiled ruefully. "You got that right."

"You've never had any trouble with women before," Kowalski pointed out. "What makes Marlene any different?"

Skipper cleared his throat and turned his explanation into an announcement. "Gentlemen, we aren't talking about some piece of eye candy we encounter out in the field. Marlene is a friend and a neighbor. If we should enter a relationship under false pretenses it could have serious repercussions not only for our friendship, but for our entire operation. Do we really want to take that chance?"

The rest of the penguins looked crestfallen. "All right," Private squeaked. "I just hope for Marlene's sake we never have to evacuate the entire zoo."

"The chances of terrorists targeting Central Park instead of Wall Street are pretty slim," Kowalski added. "The odds should be sufficiently remote…"

"Oh…" Rico moaned in disappointment.

Skipper sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine! I'll go out with Marlene. But this isn't going to end well!" he threatened as he pointed an accusing flipper. "You'll see! Commence Operation: Secret Admirer!"

The rest of the penguins perked up and danced a happy little victory dance.

* * *

That afternoon Marlene was sunning herself in her habitat when a tiny arrow impacted right by her head. "Ah!" the Asian otter screamed as she leaped up and ran into the cave the zoo had provided for her.

"Nice shot, Private," said Skipper from their perch atop the zoo's exterior wall. "But we're trying to be romantic, not hunting for otter-meat! Not so close next time!"

"Sorry Skippah," Private shrugged bashfully before they hopped off the wall to return to their habitat.

Marlene hugged herself as she trembled in her cave. "S-someone tried to kill me? But who? I've got to get Skipper! He'll know what to do!"

She trotted outside merely to bump into King Julian. "Julian!" the otter squeaked. "Get down!" She tackled him and knocked him to the ground. "What are you doing here?"

"What are _you_ doing assaulting the royal me?" he asked her. "_I_ am coming over here to borrow some of your delicious food for my stomach. And you…" He glanced down to notice that the female otter was laying on top of him with her forelegs wrapped around his slender body. "And you… Oh I get it! Now that you have broken up with that annoying squirrel you are on the rebound! I get it!" He rose to his feet and struck an imperious pose. "But it is not going to work! You had your chances and now it is over! Unless it means that I could borrow some things and not give them back, right?"

"Ugh!" she pushed him away and stormed away shaking her head. "Just keep your head down if you want to keep it, okay? There's a sniper out there and he means business!"

"Hokay, I will be keeping the eyes peeled for anybody who is the sniping," Julian nodded as Marlene dove into her pool and swam to the far wall. "Say what _is_ 'sniping' anyway? Can you make a lot of money sniping?"

Marlene was already climbing the wall to her habitat and jumped over the side to disappear.

"That's all right, I'll just go into your house and help myself hokay?" he asked. "Ouch! What is this sharp thing I be stepping on?" He looked down and picked up the arrow. "It's all long and sharp and there's paper wrapped around it." He unfurled the scroll and read it. "To my favorite furry mammal, you occupy my innermost thoughts. My wings are starving for your embrace, my eyes ache to see your smile… Hey! Marlene has it even worst for me than I thought! I've got to show Maurice! He will go insane with the jealousy!"

* * *

In the meantime Marlene reached the penguin's habitat. She moved the food dish to expose the hidden entrance to their lair and climbed down the little ladder. "Guys! Guys! There's someone out there! He tried to kill me and… what?"

Skipper was wearing a flat wide brimmed hat and a black cape was draped over his shoulders. A domino mask was over his eyes. Private had pins in his mouth as he used a needle and thread to sew a clasp onto the cape.

Kowalski was wearing wielding goggles and using powered tools to create a little sword scaled to Skipper's size. It appeared to be a rapier, what Private called a 'Musketeer sword'.

Rico had his Barbie doll next to him as he was arranging a bouquet of flowers. He would glance at the smiling doll as if checking its opinion before going back to his work.

"What is going on here?" gasped the surprised otter.

The penguins shuddered in surprise before looking over at her with guilty looks on their faces.

"That's classified," Skipper grunted as he tore off the mask, hat and cape. "What are _you_ doing here without authorization?"

"I'm not sure, but I think that somebody tried to kill me," Marlene said timidly. "It may be my imagination, but they missed my head by inches!"

"Aha! Who's got 'raving paranoia' now?" Skipper crowed. "That'll show you, aquatic mammal! Sometimes they really _are_ out to get you! This project can wait men! To the scene of the crime!"

With that the penguins rolled, and flipped and jumped out their headquarters to be followed by a frightened otter.

* * *

In the meantime, Julian was showing Maurice the note.

"Are you sure this letter was meant for you?" asked a skeptical Maurice.

"Silly Maurice of course it was!" Julian gushed. "It is a love letter! Who else could a love letter be for but for me? Take a look at the second stanza there! What does it say?"

"Your dainty walk is poetry in motion and your dulcet feminine voice is music to my ears," Maurice read aloud.

"See? An exact match!" Julian grinned in triumph. "Who _else_ could that be referring to?"

"I haven't a clue," Maurice agreed grudgingly. "It _does_ sound like you all right. Where did you find this again?"

"Marlene wrote it, you chunky monkey!" Julian insisted. "Marlene wrote it! I wonder how many of these she has written and not had the courage to send me? She must really be smitten by the wonderful king that is me…"

"_I_ am smitten by you!" Mort spread his tiny forelegs to embrace Julian's leg.

"That is what I like about you Mort, you are always so happy and gay," Julian smiled at the golden mouse lemur.

"You like me?" Mort asked hopefully.

"Not really," Julian shrugged.

"Hooray! I _like_ being liked 'not really'!" Mort cheered.

"And _I_ like having you let go of my leg!" Julian shook the little mouse lemur off him before turning his attention back to Maurice and the letter. "Since she is so crazy about me, I think I'll play hard to get."

"Playing hard to get by acting the way you always act or playing hard to get by trying to get her attention while pretending to blow her off?" Maurice asked dryly.

"Probably number two because it will be fun to see her squirm, unless it gets boring in that case I'll go back to number one," Julian decided.

"_I_ have to make a number one," Mort offered.

"If you have to do number one then go!" Julian pointed, eager to get the mouse lemur out of his sight.

"Go?" Mort asked in surprise. "Okay!" He closed his eyes and started to…

"No! No!" Julian gasped in horror. "Not here! Go over there! In the bushes! Just go _away_, will you Mort? Go away!"

"All done!" Mort announced proudly. "Would you like me to do a number two?" he asked innocently.

* * *

In the meantime Marlene and the penguins were examining her habitat.

"I was sunning myself right over here, when this arrow nearly took my head off," the otter explained.

Private swallowed guiltily. "An _arrow_?"

"I don't see any arrow," Kowalski muttered as he peered through a small plastic magnifying glass that he had pulled out of a box of Cracker Jacks last week. "Although I _am_ picking up some lemur fur. Did King Julian come over for any reason?"

"Yeah, he was just here to mooch off me," Marlene shrugged.

"Could the ringtail have it out for you?" Skipper wondered aloud.

"Unlikely," Kowalski shook his head. "He's not that good of a shot."

"He _did_ miss," Skipper nodded, "but you're right. He would strangle himself with the bowstring before he managed to actually _shoot_ an arrow."

"Erm, about that arrow…" said a nervous private.

"Kowalski, options!" Skipper barked.

"About that arrow," Private stammered.

"Skipper this could be a blessing in disguise," Kowalski smiled as he ignored the Private. "You could hang around here as a bodyguard in case the assassin comes back. Of course, you'd have to a lot of time with _Marlene_," he winked conspiratorially.

"But I'd scare him off," Skipper shook his head refusing to take the bait.

"Well, um what if he didn't know it was you?" Kowalski suggested. "You could pretend to be a secret admirer. Even if the bowman recognized you, he could just think you're in love with Marlene, what do you think?"

Skipper raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"I'm willing to try anything," Marlene sighed. "The whole plan sounds ridiculous but I'd feel better knowing you're around, Skipper."

Knowing he was trapped, Skipper decided not to wriggle. "Fine," he sighed. "I'll do the whole 'love-struck admirer' routine. But it's an act, all right? An act! I am _not_ a lovesick puppy, got that?"

"Oh sure," Private giggled as he covered his beak with his flippers. "Got it, Skippah. Not a puppy."

"Ooh-la-la!" Rico chuckled as he waggled his eyebrows.

Skipper sighed in defeat. And so it began…

_Next: The Not-So-Secret Admirer_


End file.
